Memoirs of an Army Wife

I've been thinking about writing this post for awhile now. For those of you who don't know, my husband was deployed to Kuwait for a year. He left at the end of May in 2011 and just got back this May.

Now, here's my disclaimer: I am in no way saying that I had it worse than anyone else out there. We've all had our struggles with being a single parent or having a loved one taken away from us for an extended period of time. I'm not writing this for sympathy or to draw anymore attention to myself than I already do. This is simply another chapter in my struggle with losing weight.

We'd known for about 7-8 months that Glenn was going to get deployed. Did we ever know concrete details up until a few months before? Of course not. We just knew it was going to happen. Glenn was part of the Red Bulls that left on Memorial Day 2011 for Fort McCoy in Wisconsin.

The troops were stationed at Fort McCoy until the middle of July. We were able to talk every day and I got to see him twice before they left for Kuwait but that didn't make it any easier. I was alone with a 1-year old.

Now don't get wrong...Rowan is a great kid. I really can't complain, especially back then because he wasn't a troublemaker. He's always been a happy-go-lucky kid but when you're the sole individual taking care of a child, they eventually become the devil. I did my best and had one of the best support systems possible but I still had my struggles.

Being in Kuwait, Glenn was 8 hours ahead of me. We were able to skype or instant message almost every day but it was at odd hours for both of us. He didn't get to see Rowan as much as he probably would have liked and Rowan was in the stage where he could have cared less about looking at Daddy on the computer. Still, we somehow made it work.

At first, I just kept thinking, "how on earth am I going to survive this next year by myself"? I kept myself busy. I ran a few 5k's throughout the summer, took Rowan on walks, etc. My best friend and I bought a couple of groupons and did some fitness classes throughout the fall. We managed to drag our butts through kickboxing and about 10 of those Look Good Naked classes. Her husband was nice enough to watch Rowan for me while we went to class one night a week.

Those classes gave me a temporary moment of freedom, not to mention the opportunity to workout. Before Glenn left, I was down to about 170 pounds. I managed to get down to 163 by the time he got home for R & R in December. All in all, I felt great.

Once the first of the year hit, life took a different spin. A majority of my job is to assist with the planning of our Annual Meeting, which is always held in the spring. That meant from January through March/April, I was in constant motion. I'd go to work, pick up Rowan, eat supper quick, do more work, and go to bed. The next day was the same. And the one after that. And the one after that. I bet you can see the pattern.

Because I was constantly on the go, I ate out...a lot. At that point, I didn't care about working out or attempting to lose weight. I was in a struggle to just simply survive. Rowan got to be more and more independent as the months went by so we always seemed to be battling each other. At the end of January, Rowan was diagnosed with RSV. It's essentially a really really bad cold that makes it hard for kids to breathe. Luckily I caught it in time but the poor guy had to take nebs for about a week. I remember panicking when I found out he had this. I didn't know what it meant and the jerk doctor scared me by saying that a majority of the kids who get RSV end up in the hospital in an oxygen tent. I called my mom crying because I was so overwhelmed and didn't know what to do. Luckily she works for Mayo and could explain things in terms that I understood. She even took time off to come up and help me deal with him.

Throughout February I continued my battle with eating. It wasn't really so much a battle as I pretty much ate what I wanted without considering the consequences. Along with that came anxiety. At least twice a week, I would end up feeling sick to my stomach and would get the chills that wouldn't go away. After some time went by, I figured out the pattern. They started after Rowan got RSV and I would feel that way every time he would get sick or tell me something hurt. He was my trigger. I remember one day I dropped Rowan off at daycare, feeling like crap, mind you, and thought, oh, it'll get better once I get to work and get busy. Nope, not so much. On my drive home that night, I actually cried because I didn't want to go get him. I wanted to be alone but I couldn't do that. I had a responsibility as a parent...the only parent at that. Thank god for drugs. *I'm doing much better now. Thank you for asking.*

In April I headed out for New Orleans and two weeks of alone time. Well, not really alone time considering I was with my co-workers and about 12,000 attendees but you know what I mean. Rowan split his time between the grandparents and really could have cared less that I was gone. Two weeks later I was home...and so was Glenn.

We picked him up in St. Paul on May 1 and I have to say, life is so much better! By the time Glenn got home, I was back up to about 170. Not too bad considering the three months before. It was after he got home that I took a turn for the worst, which you would know if you've read my previous blogs.

I still look back and wonder how I made it. I honestly couldn't have done it without my family and my friends. So thank you to all of you supported me, whether it was talking or listening to me, being there for me, helping out with Rowan, and just keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I especially owe my parents, Glenn's parents, my best friend and her husband, and a couple of my very dear friends at work. Not that I don't owe the rest of you but you know.

Now that I've depressed you all, let's move on. I've had a crappy day of budgets and stupid people so tonight...I drink! Yes, I'm well aware that it goes against my diet. No, I don't care because I'm still going to do the 30ds tonight. And run 3 miles tomorrow. So there.

Hugs and kisses!

Last Night's Run = Shitty

Last night was awful. I had a decent day of eating considering it was Food Truck Day for my team. We hit up the food trucks along Marquette in Downtown Minneapolis. I could have done way worse than the shrimp tacos I had. I even had healthy snacks! I think my downfall was not drinking enough water.

I did 3 miles last night and they totally sucked. I was hot (because I ran at 6:00 at night directly into the sun), I was thirsty, my knee hurt, and I really had to go to the bathroom. My god, I'm such a whiner. I mean, how many times have you heard me bitch and complain about how much my runs suck and how I should be happy that I at least completed the distance. A lot. I continue to torment myself instead of trying to maintain a positive attitude about my training. And the kicker..I was supposed to do 4 miles according to my schedule. Arrrhhh!

I completely skipped the 30ds last night because I was wasted. Not drunk, people. Just extremely tired. I actually had to ice my knee so I figured I probably shouldn't attempt to do squats and jump around. I'll get back into it tonight after my 40 minutes of cross training.

I did start level 2 on Monday night and it is WAY harder than level 1. I was actually grunting and screaming in order to get through it. I was one of those annoying people you see at the gym who you're totally embarassed for. You know who I'm talking about.

Next Saturday (Sept 8) I'm doing the Warrior Dash in Hugo. A good friend of mine was supposed to do it with me but she had to cancel on me (with a very good reason!). Her friend is running an ultra marathon up north and he needs someone at every aid station to help him out and just be there for general support. For those of you who don't know what an ultra is, he's running 100 miles. Craziness! I can totally understand why he would need support.

Anyway, if anyone is interested in coming out and watching me or running with me (it's not that bad!), I'm running at 3 p.m. I'm going to be all by my lonesome. *sniff sniff* *tear*

I kid. I'll be fine. But seriously, if anyone wants to run it with me, let me know. We can always transfer my friend's registration over to you. It's such a blast! And that's saying something for a girl who hates mud and getting dirty.

The Hulk, Phil-hole, and Nerds

My birthday extravaganza has concluded. Last Thursday, my actual birthday, was awesome. I've been feeling anxious about turning 33 mostly because my little brother finally went to college, which made me feel really old. My day started and ended with food. I figured since it was my birthday, I would have a by against my diet. After work, my team went out for happy hour at the Republic. One beer and a couple of apps later and I made my home. Glenn and Rowan surprised me with a party complete with a sign and hats. Rowan, of course, wanted cake. He sat and stared at the cupcakes for like an hour until we let him have one.

Friday a good friend and former co-worker was in town so a few of us went and had lunch at Wasabi. It was so awesome to see him. He lives in New York and hadn't been home in a year. Of course the visit was too short but at least we got a chance to see him.

Saturday consisted of a birthday party for one of Rowan's neighbor friends and...girls night!!! I haven't had a girls night since May I think. Glenn was nice enough to drive us downtown. We had dinner and drinks at the Bradstreet at the Graves and then went to Kieran's. At Kieran's, we met Phil-hole. We're sitting there minding our own business when this jackass in a blazer pulls up a chair and sits down with us. He was completely hammered, slurring his words, and acted like a complete douche. Thank god he didn't stick around long.

We hit up a couple more bars after Kieran's. Our last stop of the evening was the 508 club. We heard music when we walked in the door and immediately headed downstairs only to realize that the Eden Prairie Class of 2002 was having their reunion down there. So we crashed it. And who did we see down there? Why Phil-hole of course. Luckily he didn't see us. We also saw these awesome nerds who were wearing shirts that lit up to the beat of the music. I, of course, insisted on getting my picture taken with them.

We finally got home at 1 a.m. Getting up this morning for my 5 mile run was a little brutal. I didn't get drunk last night but I was dehydrated and tired. Glenn made me take some C4, which is basically a pre-workout with a lot of caffeine in it. It tasted like I was licking a lot of fun dip.

I felt really decent on my run today. Glenn kept track of our mileage but didn't tell me how far we went. We ran out past the hospital and up through St. Olaf's campus. I had to walk a little bit because of cramping but overall I did a decent job. We stopped at the park so Rowan could play for a little bit and by the time we made it home, we had gone 6 miles. I haven't ran/walked 6 miles since the 10k I did when Rowan was 6 months old. I've totally got this 10 miler!

30 Day Shred: Day 1

Two posts in one day? Who's excited!?! Be forewarned: You're gonna see some of me that I haven't shown in public in a long time.

I started Jillian Michael's 30 day shred tonight. After my 2-mile run. As much as I was dreading it, it was a nice end to a nice run. The weather has been beautiful here in Minnesota and we've been taking advantage of it as much as we can. Tonight we did our standard 2-mile route and came home. Glenn was nice enough to make supper (chicken fajitas...yum!) while I did the Shred.

If I were a lesbian, I'd totally make out with Jillian Michaels. Hell, I think I'd do it now. She has a smokin' body and can totally kick my ass. 30 day shred has three different levels. I, of course, started with the beginner level. I gotta say, it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. It was only 20 minutes but she keeps you going the entire time. When I got done, I was tired but felt so awesome.

And now for the horror. I took my measurements and a couple of before shots. It's not pretty.

I'm not even going to post the back side. Nobody needs to see that.

Measurements:

Neck: 15 1/4

Right arm: 13 1/4

Left arm: 13

Chest: 43

Waist: 44

Hips: 47

Right leg: 26

Left leg: 26

Hey, at least my legs are proportional! I at least have that going for me considering my hips could probably knock down a small child. You know, like when the dog gets excited and the tail takes out everything in its path.

Ugh, well, it's a start. The 30 day countdown starts now!

Frauds and 5K's

I'm a fraud. I'm not the inspiration I want to be or the inspiration you might believe me to be. When I first started this blog, it was about training for my 10-miler but I quickly launched into this tirade about my weight. I wanted to get fit and live a healthy lifestyle and I preached about how I was going to inspire others. The truth is, I've gained 5 pounds since I started this blog because I haven't cared enough. I had to face a harsh reality this morning when I jumped on that scale and it makes me want to cry. I've continued with my unhealthy lifestyle but just thrown a little running into the mix. I haven't been the person I want to be or should be. They say old habits die hard and let me tell you, overeating is one habit that needs to fucking die and burn in hell.

I'm so ashamed to admit that I'm up to 189 pounds. I hate who I've let myself become. Every day I picture myself in a thin body, in cute size 4 clothes, in skinny jeans with platform heels, and every day I say I'm going to do something about it. Only I never do. Rinse and repeat. Well, not nothing. I am still training for my 10-miler and am getting more confident that I'll be able to do it with no issues. But running without eating right is a waste of my time. I'm moving backwards, not forward.

So I hearby make you a promise (or two or three). I promise to eat better and track whatever I put in my mouth. I promise to exercise on a regular basis. I promise to not have to go buy pants because mine are getting a bit tighter. And I promise that I WILL become the person who inspires others to lose weight. I'm done telling myself that I'll start tomorrow because I've already messed up today.

So onto the good stuff. I ran my first official 5K of the summer on Saturday morning. I had to walk  once due to cramping in my side but it was only a short distance. I finished in 35:22 and placed 163 out of the 343 females that ran/walked. Not too shabby for little ol' me.

Saturday night we went to the beer tent with Glenn's brother and sister. Rowan, of course, was the life of the party. He proceeded to run up and down the side of the tent, swing on poles, and generally be the giant goofball that he is. I proceeded to drink a pitcher of beer (a small pitcher) and watch and laugh. I really should get a mother of the year award. You're probably thinking that all I do is drink and laugh at my child, which is partially true. It's cause he's so damn funny. I hate the age between 18 months and 2 1/2 because he doesn't listen but the things that come out of his mouth and the things he does just crack me up.

The crappiest part of my weekend: trying on jeans. I decided I needed a new pair of jeans so I stopped by Target on my way home from work on Friday. I grabbed several different brands and types (all in my size) and hit the dressing room. 1st pair, bootcut normal looking jeans. Couldn't get them up over my legs. 2nd pair, bootcut normal looking jeans. Couldn't get them buttoned. 3rd pair, skinny jeans (just for fun). Hmmm, no. 4th pair, mom like jeans (icky) that are supposed to slim you down. Got them on but I looked like I tried to stuff sausages into the legs. Aall of these were my size so why did none of them fit me? I was beyond pissed off. So I went to Maurices. The first pair I tried on fit. What?!? Pants in my size that actually fit when I tried them on? It's a miracle! Either Target is out to get me, which is ridiculous given the amount of money I spend there on a weekly basis, or the fashion world has decided to change it's sizing on pants to annoy people. I seriously haven't bought a pair of jeans in over a year. I know I've gained weight but how is it that you can go from one store where nothing fits to another store where you have no issues? I know it has to do with different brands and where they make them and all that. I'm just bitter and am trying to shift the blame, hence the reason I am chubby in the first place.

Tonight I start Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. I've heard lots of good things from people who have seen results with it. I've also heard it's a complete ass kicker. If I can't move on Wednesday, you'll know why. Measurements and before photos to come.

Spandex in August

Observations from today's run:

1. I heart spandex. Those are words I never thought would come out of my mouth. My new running capris are unbelieveable. Seriously, it felt like I was running naked. Not a great image but I love them so much. My only issue is that my underwear kept sliding down. Not bad but enough that it bothered me. I'm considering running sans granny panties (no I don't really wear those...at least not a majority of the time) but am struggling a little bit. I HATE not wearing underwear so this is a huge deal for me. I need to mull this one.

2. My new running shoes are...different. They support my feet slightly better than my old running shoes and are much more lightweight. However, I noticed every time I put my foot down that it looks like a moose has just taken a step. My foot flattens out and the sides expand just ever so much. Gross. Oh, and see what I mean about the neon? I think I'll glow in the dark if I go running at night.

3. I have a love/hate relationship with August. I love it because it's my birthday month. I love it because it means the state fair is almost here. I love it because running is bearable as compared to July. I love it because it's my birthday month (hint hint - I accept gifts in the form of gift cards or cash). I also hate it for many reasons. It means that summer is almost over. It means that cold weather is quickly approaching and I will never be ready for snow. Cute boots and sweaters and football, yes. Cold weather, no. It means that the sky grows darker a lot earlier and that's just not cool.

On another note, my birthday is next week. No, that's not another hint for presents (although I will never turn one down, lol). I'm sort of not looking forward to it. My little brother left for college yesterday and I'm really feeling my age. When he was born, I was 14. He was one of those "oops" babies you hear about. Anyway, I remember thinking to myself "god, when he graduates from high school I'm going to be 32". Yup, I was 32 when he graduated in May which means I turn 33 next Thursday. I always thought he'd stay little forever but alas. Damn you Father Time, you're moving me along faster than I would like.

My mother is slightly sad, at least from what I could tell from her tone yesterday. She and my dad are finally empty nesters. Not that you ever knew Jared was around because he pretty much lived in his room. She'll have to fill her time with crafts and reading and watching one of her favorite grandson's (hint hint).

Tomorrow we head for Winona and Goodview Days. Beer tents, parades, and my first official 5K of the summer. I'm gonna wear my spandex again. Cause it's awesome.

Bad Things Happen at Kohl's

Bad things happen when I go to Kohl's (or shopping in general). I buy things, much to my husband's chagrin, I lose track of time and spend an hour and a half wandering around and trying things on, I buy spandex. Oh yeah, you heard me right. I. Bought. Spandex.

Now, I loathe spandex and I have sworn up and down that I will never buy it. But lately I've seen a lot of other runners wearing the form fitting capri running pants and I thought, those must be nice. I'm going to get a pair. And let me tell you, it's like wearing a pair of pants made of marshmallows. Those things are so soft and so damn comfortable. I'm testing them out tomorrow on my run.

I also purchased a lovely peach chiffon blouse, which is grandma speak for a top, a stretch belt, and a new hair accessory. I'm trying to do more with accessories like scarves or flower hair clips. More to come on that.

You know what else I want? A pair of skinny jeans. What!?!? That's right...skinny jeans. Again, something I have told myself I will never purchase but I really want a pair. And then I want a pair of pointy toed knee high boots to wear over them. Hmmm...maybe for my birthday.

Last night I purchased a new pair of running shoes. I'm hoping that will help with my knee issues. Here's my gripe with running shoes in today's society...they are all neon. Neon is not cool!!! I should know because I survived the 80's. I tried on 4 different types and finally settled for the tamest ones I could find that were the most comfortable. They're gray with neon pink and yellow on them. They sound horrific but they're actually not that bad. I will be debuting them along with my spandex tomorrow.

Tomorrow's night run is 2 miles. Piece of red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting. Laters, baby.