Being Brave

Today is about being brave. I'm going to tell you a story about how I got to be the weight that I'm at and the struggles I've had along the way. Being brave means I'm going to out someone (not by name) but it's something I need to do in order to move forward on my journey.

Growing up I wasn't really a fat kid. In fact, I was skinny because I used to eat like a bird and only drink water. Then I got to high school and everything changed. Again, I wasn't fat by any means but I started eating junk food and drinking pop on a regular basis and I packed on a few pounds.

When I went off to college, things got a little worse. I continued to eat junk and drink pop but along with that came the booze. I wasn't a hardcore drinker but I had my moments. I went from being a size 8 to a size 12 in a matter of 3 years.

During college, I started dating a fellow classmate. He and I were ultimately together for 5 and 1/2 years. We broke up at least 3 times, if I can recall but somehow we always ended up back together. In fact, we broke up the night we graduated from college. Neither one of us had jobs, I was staying in Iowa for the time being and he was moving back up to the Twin Cities. We kept in touch and a couple of months later, got back together when I moved up to the Cities and started my first job.

We had our good times and our bad times, like every couple. I wasn't really into watching my weight or living a health lifestyle so I went from a size 12 to a size 14 and eventually to a size 16. I struggled a lot because our relationship wasn't exactly healthy. I was dating a person who was emotionally unavailable and didn't love me. At the time, I thought I was in love with him but looking back, he was my safety net. I don't think either one of us wanted to be alone so why not be together.

I was so desperate for affection from him but didn't get it so I continued with my unhealthy lifestyle of junk, pop, and alcohol. I was also so afraid that he would break up with me that I wasn't the person I should have been. I rarely got into a fight with him because I was always afraid he'd walk away. At the end of our relationship, I was so messed up emotionally I'm surprised I recovered. On the day we broke up for the last time, he told me that he'd thought about telling me that if I lost 30 pounds, he'd marry me. Who the hell does that? And you know what? I stupidly would have done it. Not because I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life but because I didn't want to be alone. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell myself to walk away. But I don't regret my time with him because if I hadn't made it that far, I probably wouldn't have met Glenn.

When said boyfriend and I broke up, I joined Weight Watchers and lost 20 pounds. There's nothing like a breakup to kick yourself in the pants and try and look good so the next time they see you, you can flaunt your new body in their face. I also reconnected with my best friend. I selfishly put my boyfriend first and semi-abandoned her because I didn't want to make him mad. We still stayed in touch but it wasn't like it should have been.

During our reconnection, I would go to Mankato a lot to hang out with her and her husband. It wasn't even a month after I had broken up with my boyfriend that I met my future husband. A big group of us went out drinking one night and in the midst of doing shots, I told him I thought he was cute. To be fair, I had a lot of booze in me! We just clicked and I knew that I wanted to be with this man. We started dating in May/June (we never really discussed it), were engaged by August, bought a house in December, and got married the following May. My life was a whirlwind.

Because of that, I freaked out. I went from being in an unloving relationship to being with a man who thought I walked on water and it scared the crap out of me. I purposely picked fights and did everything I could to try and drive him away but he stuck around. I don't know why he put up with a complete crazy person but he did.

After we got married, guess what? I gained even more weight. It's because I got comfortable. I ballooned up to 197 pounds and a size 18. This was right before Glenn got deployed to Kosovo, one year after we got married. While he was gone, I vowed that I was going to lose weight. I started running and dropped 25 pounds in a matter of 2 months. I felt fantastic! Ever since then, I've been on a rollercoaster. I gain some weight, get pissed off, drop about 20 pounds, feel great, and start the process all over again. I'm just tired of constantly being at battle with myself.

It's time for a change. My eating still isn't under control but I've pulled myself back into a fitness routine. I'm sticking to my training program (with the exception of last night) and WILL get my eating habits to a good place. I'm taking it one step at a time.

Tomorrow will not help, though. My husband turns the big 3-0 in a week so we're having his birthday bash tomorrow night, which means lots of food, beer, and great friends. I'm still gonna run in the morning and then spend the rest of the day enjoying myself. I'll get back to everything on Sunday. And I'm ok with that. I'm learning to accept me, both good and bad parts. That's all I can do.